life.

tuesday made a year since the last time i updated this blog.
i went through looking at my old posts.
a good 90% of them were when i was really down.
i.e this one.
my mom keeps hinting that she wants me to move out.
all she keeps telling me that im not where most 21 yro's should be.
how all my friends are graduating from school and i should be too.
but no bc i fucked up, im still in. more or less starting from scratch.
im trying but i dont see it being good enough for her.
there's 7 days in the week, 5 of those my mom is telling me how fat im getting.
and how worthless i am.
and i try not to let it get to me but its starting to take its toll.
people are always telling me how i dont get mad over things.
its because i dont see the need to get mad over things that are irrelevant to my life.
i have bigger issues to worry about.

then last night, i went out to dinner with him.
and we talked.
how is one supposed to feel when the man she's in love with and has put up with so much from pretty much tells her if they didnt have the history they have he wouldnt give her the time of the day.
all b.c of her tats, piercings and other things she's done.
things that happened because of him or because of the fact he wasnt there.
last night was the worst.
i broke down in the car.
a combination of everything and i just started crying.
i felt like an asshole for crying.
i hate crying.
i hate showing weakness.
and maybe thats my problem.
but i dont really care.
he told me to put on my "happy voice".
and i told him i dont have one.
i wasnt joking.
its almost as if i've forgotten what happy is.
not because of him but because of my sad excuse for a life in general.