sad.

i am sad like legit all the time.
even when im doing something that makes me happy im sad.
it makes no sense to me.
and right now talking to my cousin mikaela isnt helping.
we're just talking about how much she misses our grandmother(she recently passed).
and how much we miss each other.
i really wish she didnt live in canada.
i may have cost myself my job today if my assistant manager heard when i said "Weed" kind of loud.
im hoping she didnt but i think she did.
im stressed and sad.

broken relationships.

my mother and i have a less good relationship. i really dont find joy in being around her for long periods of time. i try but she always finds some way to piss me off or just make me feel like shit about myself. next time she asks me why, i want to tell her to look in the mirror and there's her answer. thats all.

younger me.

i was in my moms room today making her bed when i glanced at her wall.
on there was a picture of me at 10 years old, the day of my 5th grade graduation.
and i was smiling, no teeth were showing because that was before braces and my grill was jacked but i was smiling. and i could tell that i was genuinely happy.
i started to cry as i asked myself, where did that little girl go? why is she no longer happy?
maybe because at 10 years old she just knew where her life was going and she knew things were gonna be okay.
i wish my 22 soon to be 23 year old self was around then to let her know that things would have taken a turn for the worse so that she could stay focus and get it done.
life is funny and you never really know what to expect but i tell you this, i damn sure did not expect this.
granted, my life could be a lot much worse but at the same time it could be better if i had just stayed on track and did what i had to do.
no one is blame but me and i know that.
doesnt make the pain and sadness any less tho.
im a stickler for saving face tho, so i will always smile as if every thing is peachy keen.

discussion.

my mothers keeps trying to get me to see a therapist so i can talk about what happened to me.
ummm, no thanks.
if I wanted to I would have suggested doing so.
i know thats part of why i am the way i am, but it doesnt really bother.
i mean im aware that i lost my drive and i dont know when or how it happened but its not this.
i'd love to have it back and im working on it.
but till then it is what it is.