merry christmas....

my ass.

this christmas sucks.

matter of fact this yr royally sucked and cant end fast enough to satisfy me.

no presents, no tree.

all i wanted was to go out with my friends tonight.

and thats not even happening.

yipee.

hope u all enjoy ure christmas.

tired.

i am physically, mentally, and emotionally tired.

and at 19 i shouldnt be like this.

off.

this week sucked so bad.
that if it sucks anymore.




i'll prollly..............................


OFF........



myself

helping da homies out.

for all you that actually read my blog.
visit www.skillfuldischarge.com.
its a t-shirt website and i promise you wont be disappointed.

scared.

is what i am.

amazing.

i have all these ppl around me.
and lately im always feeling lonely.
why?

alone.

i feel like i have no one in the time when i need someone the most.

sadness.

i feel sad.
and for some reason i feel wrong for feeling like this.
i wanna cry.
but every time the tears start to form i stop them.
everything is just so royally fucked up right now.

i wish ash could take me to vermont with her for thanksgiving.
but i know thats not possible.
-sigh-.
i dont know what else to write.

-till next time.


edit-i need something to take my mind of stuff.
a movie, a t.v show, anything.

hey guise.

i knew i couldnt keep up with this blogging nonsense.
but its w.e.

quite a bit has happened since we last spoke.
but honestly im too lazy to write abt it all.

however mai's baby shower was on saturday.
it was so much fun.
ivysaur and stephlova did a great job.
we all got drunk.
except for mai of course.
i gave this guy my number WILLINGLY.
like he didnt even ask.
i said "ivan lemme see ure phone"
he gave it to me and i put the digits in there.
the best part is i dont even remember if i gave him the right number.
either way i would like for him to call/text.
he was really cute.


the hangover on sunday fucking sucked tho.
i was up at 645 to get to work on time.
cuz i crashed at stephs place which is in east elmhurst.
it was so bad.
i couldnt even think of what to do with myself while i was at work.
shoutout to me tho for finally getting drunk.

choices of poison were:
and....
can we say mmm, mmmm goooood?
i think we can.

but really it was great seeing everyone i havent seen since we left h.s.
i cant wait for a da baby to be born.
she's gonna be gorgeous.


but im going to find some eats now.
CUZ I IS HUNGRAYYYY!

hmmm.

i havent had a good nights sleep since sometime last week.
and im so tired but blah w.e
umm i didnt do much this week at alll.
went to hang with ash on wednesday.
me, her, christian and justin = funny times and the DUMBEST cipher of weed i ever witnessed in my life.
and no i did not smoke.
but of course i drank.
you could say i still dont talk to christian but considering we were all in the same room neither one of us had a choice.

lately im always missing someone.
for no reason at all.

there is this MOB sweatshirt i really want.
& i dont wanna pay for it.
but i wont have a choice.
cuz my boys dont spoil me.
=[.


i guess thats it.


p.s- i just saw this on another blog:

Girls are insecure. Women are confident.

Girls dress trashy. Women dress classy.

Girls are students. Women are teachers.

Girls are listeners. Women are preachers.

Girls make babies. Women raise babies.

Girls have sex. Women make love.

Girls are weak. Women are strong.

Girls fight. Women walk away.

Girls argue. Women speak.

Girls give in. Women compromise.

Girls envy. Women appreciate.

Girls give up. Women strive.

Girls look. Women see.

Girls take. Women give.

Girls follow. Women influence.

-- Christina E. Brown

no words needed.

summer is almost over.

and i think im going to miss it.
i didnt do anything extravagant.
like i didnt travel at all but i still had my funs.
made new friends sorta.
well just got closer to some.
ash <3.
spent a lot of my summer with her.

school starts on wednesday.
and im hella upset abt that.
why cant we go back in september.
like all the rest of the non-cuny kids.
why we gotta get an extra week of school.
how unfair.


so umm update: i still havent spoken to the boy i talked abt in my first post.
i was tempted to today but he wasnt online.
an still isnt and i refuse to text him.
yay me!
oh and i believe i messed up the coloring in my tat.
because i exposed it to the beach to early.
but ahh oh well if anything i'll just go get it done over.


im tired now.
i got like NO sleep this weekend.
the highlight of my weekend: being in the church van while it was being towed back to church from nj.
the battery died on us on the way back from dorney park.
oh yea dorney park was horrible.
we are NEVER going back there again.
at least not on a saturday.

my god-sis is leaving for school on saturday.
so we had a surprise bbq for her at my house today.
oh how i am going to miss my loser.
me and her have come a LOOOOONGGGGGGG way.
when we were younger i couldnt stand her.
which i guess is a part of growing up.
cuz no we are pretty darn tight.
thats my baby.
it hasnt sunk in fully yet.
but i think ima cry when it does.
OMG she sang at church today.
and i teared.
she hasnt sang at church in YEARRRS.

umm i guess thats abt it.
till next time.

nothing at all.

is what i feel right now.
im so empty inside and its quite sad.
i rarely have a medium.
its either i have all the emotions in the world running thru me or none at all.
unfortunately right now its none at all.
sometimes i hate when i'm like this.
b.c i just stop caring and NOTHING matters.
most of the time this emptiness goes away by itself.
but sometimes i need a lil help.
and i dont think im going to get the help right now.

in other news i have one day left with my kids at my tennis job.
which also means i have one day left to talk to mr.levon.
i've basically been attracted to him since the spring.
its weird cuz we like eachother but neither one of us has said nething.
even some of the KIDS know.
its not that we have said nething to them.
apparently they're just good at reading ppl/feelings.
so yea if i dont talk to him tomorrow that will be the end of that.
ugh i hate having to talk to boys.
things were so much easier when were kids.
technically i have 2 days left at my tennis job but since my kids are going on a trip friday.
tomorrow will be the last day i see them till spring.
as much they drove me up a will these past few months i will miss them.
not all of them but enuff of them.

thats pretty much it.
i love my blogs never have a specific direction.

vaca.

my mom has been on vaca since last wednesday.
and it was best!
she comes back tonite tho.
i know this is bad but i can honestly say i didnt miss her.
she hasnt been gone long enuff for me to miss her.

but uhh of course i've been out and abt since she hasnt been home.
didnt do too much last week!
the big bro slept over thurs nite cuz i was lil scared.
yea yea i know.


but grandma turned 75 on monday.
we had her party on sat.
she was sooooooooo happy.

thats mi grandmumster.
man idk what i would do without her.
i love her more than life itself.

on monday i got tat #2.

joshua came with me.
and took pics of all the faces i was making.
those will not be posted for ure humor.
after that the boys came back to my place and kept me company all nite.
i missed hanging out with them.
it was the 1st time i was with all 4 of them in a while.


wednesday i hung out with ash.
ran some errands and did some shopping.
and got some eatssssss.
we went to mancora this peruvian restaurant with realllly good food.


today joe finally came over.
all i'm saying is i enjoy his company.
and im going to sleep with a smile on my face.

dissapointed.

see this is why i cant have a blog.
i get so lethargic with my posting.

but umm i finally got my b-day cake.
ash baked it for me.
she also just informed me her brother ate the ice cream that i bought to eat with the cake.
speaking of her bro, not only is he an asshole but he's also an idiot.
im too lazy/tired to go into what happened.
just know that i saw his g.f and he got scared.
my away message says " you're the type of guy that would tell on yourself and i find it fucking hilarious.
i only say this cuz his actions lead me to assume so.
but thats enuff of him.


by telling my best friend i got my bday cake.
i managed to ruin a surprise my boys had for me.
and i've been real bummed abt that lately.
for the past 2 yrs i've done something with my boys for my bday.
and i was looking forward to it for this yr but apparently it wont happen.
my mood lately has just been real ehhh in general.

my mom is going on vaca on wednesday.
and i'm still deciding on staying home alone.
i really want to but there's like 2 fucking rapists loose in my area.
so im like a lil scared abt being alone.


but on a lighter note: joe =].

-sigh

so all in all this week basically sucked.
umm i lost my debit card like 2 days before i had to pay my phone bill.
so now my fone is off.
i asked my dad to pay it for me but of course being the cheap-o he is he only pays some of it.
this man forgets my b-day and yet cant even pay my bill
he calls me on sat the 19th mind u my bday is the 12th and he says "ure bday was yesterday"
im like no last sat he's like and i forgot..ok...and ure grandma couldnt even remind me...im like thats not her job u helped concieve me the least u can do is remember when the fuck my bday is but its cool im not stressing it i expect nothing less from my dad..its sad but thats the way it is.d
tmobile annoys me, my dad annoys, actually everyone annoyed me this week.
and i dont think next week is going to be any better.
its too hot to function or even think.

i cant even write this blog cuz all i keep thinking abt is going to lay down.
which is exactly what im gonna do.

refreshing.

so i have this job where i teach lil kids how to play tennis.
the job itself is enjoyable and the kids are pretty ok.
just a few bad seeds.
but one of my fellow coaches is a complete HOODRAT.
she is so ghetto and has NO class abt her.
working with her has officially become annoying now.
its so bad i wanna call the office and complain abt her.
not to mention my site director is irritating and slow as hell.
but w.e i can deal with him.

i went to my cousins house today.
and on my way home we saw the homeslice deon sitting on his porch.
so after a brief conversation with him we decided to go running with him.
as much as my muscles hurt, running was so enjoyable.
i havent been in so long i really forgot how good it feels.
it was so refreshing tho, i think im going to make this a regular thing.
well im gonna try to go with deon whenever he goes running.
the weather was perfect too.
i know im going to feel it in the morning tho.
especially since as usually i didnt wear my knee warp.
but w.e it was worth it.

im off to sleeps now.

b-day weekend.

so it was my birthday on saturday.
turned 19...whoopteedoo.
newho didnt really do much.
went to soho with the big bro/bff.
picked up ash from work.
i always enjoy surprising my friends.
even on my birthday.
the bff got me my present
a pair of sneakers i wanted
i disappointed cristina cuz she had a suprise for me but i never made it to her house.
i still feel like shxt abt that.

i started off going to dinner with chris and tashae.
but then justin came to get us.
and he irritated tashae so much she ended up taking the bus home.
i dont even wanna get into that one.
b.c justin was being his usual self but tashae is the type of person who cant take a joke.
we went to applebee's and the waiter we had was a fucking idiot.
we started joking abt how she prolly sniffs coke.
i ended eating nothing but mozzarella sticks.
b.c my food came and it wasnt wat i wanted so i just had the waiter take it back.
and thats basically how sat nite ended.

today i met up with ash in soho.
picked up a pair of shorts and a shirt.
met the infamous tyrell or as she calls him tee-lynol.
the original plan was for us to go back to bk and she bake me a cake.
but we were both too tired and lethargic for that.
so we just chilled in soho for a bit.
spent like an hr in the pizza shop by her job.
i did go back with her to bk tho.
i chilled for like an hr and then came back home.
so yea thats basically how my b-day weekend went.
im not really complaining cuz i didnt expect to do anything.
and i have no problems with what i did do.


i still just feel really bad abt runining cristina's suprise.
i HAVE to make it up to her somehow.

ugh.

this is my 1st blog in a very longtime
ever since i deleted my xanga page.

this might be a long post
if not it'll def be all over the place
i have a lot of thoughts running through my head
and since idk where else to let them out im doing it here.

1st things 1st-
i continue to let my feelings get in the way of logic
by this i mean that i know he has a g.f and yet i let myself get carried away with him
it doesnt go farther than kissing but its some very intense kissing
does that make me the bad guy? =\
thing is he never came out and told me he had a gf
the last that we even spoke abt her she was his ex at the time
only reason i know they are currently back together is b.c the signs are all around me
and plus his sister told me
now thanks to him i feel like gagging everytime a.keys song "no one" comes on
i have even gone as far to delete it off my ipod and its one of my fav songs
when i think abt it i start feeling like such an idiot
b.c in the beginning i thought maybe we would eventually become something....ha, yeah right
now i'm like would i even want to pursue a relationship with him, even if the opportunity came up...i dont think i would
the only 2 ppl who know whats up tell me i need to talk to him and tell him how i feel
but part of me is like why bother?
honestly, i dont even think he cares
b.c if you could cheat(ugh i feel so eww when i call it that) on ure gf, then why would u care how the girl u cheated with feels( i never thought i would be that girl -sigh-)
and i dont feel like being bothered with him
we havent spoken since that day and i like it that way
its funny, you get mad when someone you barely knows(imo) calls you a liar
when NEWSFLASH: YOU ARE!
or as i like to put it "you just leave shxt out"
i need to keep my distance from you which hopefully wont be to hard.

part 2
school starts next month
and i have not been advised nor have i attempted to make an appt to be advised yet
why? i'm not sure if i want to go back to school i know i dont have a choice but still i dont want
i did pretty bad my 1st yr of college mainly cuz i just dont want to be there
but when i go back in august i need to get back to my old grades the shxt i brought home is COMPLETELY unacceptable and CAN NOT happen anymore
so yea i guess i shoud be making that appt ASAP.

part 3
i have this old friend who just stopped talking to me one day like back in january
it was weird like we went from talking EVERYDAY to he just stopped answering my calls and caling me
part of me thinks what triggered it is that he THINKS i lied abt recieving a text he sent me
when in actuallity i didnt and when i did get it i responded right away
i sent him a b-day card well actually i sent him 2 cards
the 1st one was letting him know how i feel
the second one was the b-day card
which at the end said p.s goodbye
i tried not to let it bother me but i couldnt but think why? what did i do?
but then i realize i didnt do ANYTHING
i was never anything but good to him...no we we're never in a relationship
it was impossible he's been in fl for like the past 2/3 yrs while i'm still in ny
so anyway he hits me up a few weeks ago letting me know his grandpa passed away
now i know how impt his grandpa was to him so i tried calling and texting numerous times i failed everytime
i sent an email which i know he got but chose not to respond to me
anyway i i.m him like yesterday
and we have a very brief convo
but he says to me "i would like to apologize to you"
i asked him why
now that why had two meanings 1) why do u want to apologize?
and 2) why did you do it?
but he signed off without answering
so now i have no idea when and if I will ever get an answer.


but im done for now
so good news is MY BRITHDAY IS ON SATURDAY!
i really want someone to bake me a cake
but i doubt it'll happen
i just hope i have fun this year
=\

p.s sorry its so long
not that anyone will read this newho