sad.

i am sad like legit all the time.
even when im doing something that makes me happy im sad.
it makes no sense to me.
and right now talking to my cousin mikaela isnt helping.
we're just talking about how much she misses our grandmother(she recently passed).
and how much we miss each other.
i really wish she didnt live in canada.
i may have cost myself my job today if my assistant manager heard when i said "Weed" kind of loud.
im hoping she didnt but i think she did.
im stressed and sad.

broken relationships.

my mother and i have a less good relationship. i really dont find joy in being around her for long periods of time. i try but she always finds some way to piss me off or just make me feel like shit about myself. next time she asks me why, i want to tell her to look in the mirror and there's her answer. thats all.

younger me.

i was in my moms room today making her bed when i glanced at her wall.
on there was a picture of me at 10 years old, the day of my 5th grade graduation.
and i was smiling, no teeth were showing because that was before braces and my grill was jacked but i was smiling. and i could tell that i was genuinely happy.
i started to cry as i asked myself, where did that little girl go? why is she no longer happy?
maybe because at 10 years old she just knew where her life was going and she knew things were gonna be okay.
i wish my 22 soon to be 23 year old self was around then to let her know that things would have taken a turn for the worse so that she could stay focus and get it done.
life is funny and you never really know what to expect but i tell you this, i damn sure did not expect this.
granted, my life could be a lot much worse but at the same time it could be better if i had just stayed on track and did what i had to do.
no one is blame but me and i know that.
doesnt make the pain and sadness any less tho.
im a stickler for saving face tho, so i will always smile as if every thing is peachy keen.

discussion.

my mothers keeps trying to get me to see a therapist so i can talk about what happened to me.
ummm, no thanks.
if I wanted to I would have suggested doing so.
i know thats part of why i am the way i am, but it doesnt really bother.
i mean im aware that i lost my drive and i dont know when or how it happened but its not this.
i'd love to have it back and im working on it.
but till then it is what it is.

what the hell?

never in my life have i ever been told some fuckery like i was told on friday.
back story:
started seeing this guy back in june.
its nothing serious just hanging out and things.
so on friday he hits me with the "i miss yous" and stuff.
naturally, im like "lets hangout".
usually we'll go to his place after we hangout because we're grown.
he says to me 'i wanna go to your place because my fam took over my house that means no bringing my pyt through'.
i got the realest of straight faces when i read that, it irritated me to my soul.
why did it? because that pretty much translated to me as 'im good enough to fool around with but not good enough to meet your fam, if even as just a friend'.
im not saying you gotta be like "fam, this is the girl im seeing....girl im seeing, this is the fam" a simple " could easily say "fam, this my friend _______....______, this is my fam".
like i've never told anyone they cant come to my house because my fam is there, like what? no.
i dont care what the nature of our relationship is and no guy has ever told me that before.
as john said, this must have been the hint i need brcause i was already getting bored with him anyway.

fall.

happy novemeber.
im currently sitting here with my girls; milly, tara and fay.
we're legit just sitting here doing nothing.
just taking in this time together.
its my baby millys birthday.
we had a little surprise party for her, she loved it.
but of course my mind is so many other places.
like heading back to queens.
i DO NOT want to go home, i hate being home.
im always so sad when im there.
and its even worse no that my mom is home for a month on recovery.
i wish i had a boyfriend who lived close to me so i could just be at his house all the time.
or wish the current guy interested in me wasnt such a straight up idiot and actually got it.
tooo bad navy boy is also MIA once again, after he promised that wouldnt happen.
but what else is new, my luck with guys is a fail.