what the hell?

never in my life have i ever been told some fuckery like i was told on friday.
back story:
started seeing this guy back in june.
its nothing serious just hanging out and things.
so on friday he hits me with the "i miss yous" and stuff.
naturally, im like "lets hangout".
usually we'll go to his place after we hangout because we're grown.
he says to me 'i wanna go to your place because my fam took over my house that means no bringing my pyt through'.
i got the realest of straight faces when i read that, it irritated me to my soul.
why did it? because that pretty much translated to me as 'im good enough to fool around with but not good enough to meet your fam, if even as just a friend'.
im not saying you gotta be like "fam, this is the girl im seeing....girl im seeing, this is the fam" a simple " could easily say "fam, this my friend _______....______, this is my fam".
like i've never told anyone they cant come to my house because my fam is there, like what? no.
i dont care what the nature of our relationship is and no guy has ever told me that before.
as john said, this must have been the hint i need brcause i was already getting bored with him anyway.

fall.

happy novemeber.
im currently sitting here with my girls; milly, tara and fay.
we're legit just sitting here doing nothing.
just taking in this time together.
its my baby millys birthday.
we had a little surprise party for her, she loved it.
but of course my mind is so many other places.
like heading back to queens.
i DO NOT want to go home, i hate being home.
im always so sad when im there.
and its even worse no that my mom is home for a month on recovery.
i wish i had a boyfriend who lived close to me so i could just be at his house all the time.
or wish the current guy interested in me wasnt such a straight up idiot and actually got it.
tooo bad navy boy is also MIA once again, after he promised that wouldnt happen.
but what else is new, my luck with guys is a fail.

summer

already july and my 2nd update of the year.
summer has been pretty good to me.
my 22nd birthday was pretty legit.
mufdi threw me a birthday bbq, it was supposed to be on the beach but due to the rain we had it in my backyard.
which turned out for the better because even more people got to come.
i had such a lovely time.
partied a bit.
i went to VA with my girls; mickey, milly and ebony.
i got to see my navy boy.
god did i ever miss him.
its already august 2nd tho, summer owes me sometime.
and as summer comes to end i have to look at where my life is going next.
im in such a bind with school, i realized yesterday how much i truly hate my job.
i feel stuck, so stuck.
its no ones fault but my own and i cant/dont want to ask anyone for help.
so somethings got a give, therefore im going to start the air force process.

things with what was once the love of my life are fully over.
we were kidding ourselves.
there wasnt anything here for us anymore.
i am okay with this because i felt it.
i still love him and im sure i always will but it was time to let go.


i have the WORST time trying to talk/tell someone about my feelings.
last night i tried to tell my navy boy that i more or less love him.
and i couldnt even formulate the thoughts to get it out right.
feelings/emotions are so overrated to me.
i cant deal man.

life.

tuesday made a year since the last time i updated this blog.
i went through looking at my old posts.
a good 90% of them were when i was really down.
i.e this one.
my mom keeps hinting that she wants me to move out.
all she keeps telling me that im not where most 21 yro's should be.
how all my friends are graduating from school and i should be too.
but no bc i fucked up, im still in. more or less starting from scratch.
im trying but i dont see it being good enough for her.
there's 7 days in the week, 5 of those my mom is telling me how fat im getting.
and how worthless i am.
and i try not to let it get to me but its starting to take its toll.
people are always telling me how i dont get mad over things.
its because i dont see the need to get mad over things that are irrelevant to my life.
i have bigger issues to worry about.

then last night, i went out to dinner with him.
and we talked.
how is one supposed to feel when the man she's in love with and has put up with so much from pretty much tells her if they didnt have the history they have he wouldnt give her the time of the day.
all b.c of her tats, piercings and other things she's done.
things that happened because of him or because of the fact he wasnt there.
last night was the worst.
i broke down in the car.
a combination of everything and i just started crying.
i felt like an asshole for crying.
i hate crying.
i hate showing weakness.
and maybe thats my problem.
but i dont really care.
he told me to put on my "happy voice".
and i told him i dont have one.
i wasnt joking.
its almost as if i've forgotten what happy is.
not because of him but because of my sad excuse for a life in general.