ugh.

this is my 1st blog in a very longtime
ever since i deleted my xanga page.

this might be a long post
if not it'll def be all over the place
i have a lot of thoughts running through my head
and since idk where else to let them out im doing it here.

1st things 1st-
i continue to let my feelings get in the way of logic
by this i mean that i know he has a g.f and yet i let myself get carried away with him
it doesnt go farther than kissing but its some very intense kissing
does that make me the bad guy? =\
thing is he never came out and told me he had a gf
the last that we even spoke abt her she was his ex at the time
only reason i know they are currently back together is b.c the signs are all around me
and plus his sister told me
now thanks to him i feel like gagging everytime a.keys song "no one" comes on
i have even gone as far to delete it off my ipod and its one of my fav songs
when i think abt it i start feeling like such an idiot
b.c in the beginning i thought maybe we would eventually become something....ha, yeah right
now i'm like would i even want to pursue a relationship with him, even if the opportunity came up...i dont think i would
the only 2 ppl who know whats up tell me i need to talk to him and tell him how i feel
but part of me is like why bother?
honestly, i dont even think he cares
b.c if you could cheat(ugh i feel so eww when i call it that) on ure gf, then why would u care how the girl u cheated with feels( i never thought i would be that girl -sigh-)
and i dont feel like being bothered with him
we havent spoken since that day and i like it that way
its funny, you get mad when someone you barely knows(imo) calls you a liar
when NEWSFLASH: YOU ARE!
or as i like to put it "you just leave shxt out"
i need to keep my distance from you which hopefully wont be to hard.

part 2
school starts next month
and i have not been advised nor have i attempted to make an appt to be advised yet
why? i'm not sure if i want to go back to school i know i dont have a choice but still i dont want
i did pretty bad my 1st yr of college mainly cuz i just dont want to be there
but when i go back in august i need to get back to my old grades the shxt i brought home is COMPLETELY unacceptable and CAN NOT happen anymore
so yea i guess i shoud be making that appt ASAP.

part 3
i have this old friend who just stopped talking to me one day like back in january
it was weird like we went from talking EVERYDAY to he just stopped answering my calls and caling me
part of me thinks what triggered it is that he THINKS i lied abt recieving a text he sent me
when in actuallity i didnt and when i did get it i responded right away
i sent him a b-day card well actually i sent him 2 cards
the 1st one was letting him know how i feel
the second one was the b-day card
which at the end said p.s goodbye
i tried not to let it bother me but i couldnt but think why? what did i do?
but then i realize i didnt do ANYTHING
i was never anything but good to him...no we we're never in a relationship
it was impossible he's been in fl for like the past 2/3 yrs while i'm still in ny
so anyway he hits me up a few weeks ago letting me know his grandpa passed away
now i know how impt his grandpa was to him so i tried calling and texting numerous times i failed everytime
i sent an email which i know he got but chose not to respond to me
anyway i i.m him like yesterday
and we have a very brief convo
but he says to me "i would like to apologize to you"
i asked him why
now that why had two meanings 1) why do u want to apologize?
and 2) why did you do it?
but he signed off without answering
so now i have no idea when and if I will ever get an answer.


but im done for now
so good news is MY BRITHDAY IS ON SATURDAY!
i really want someone to bake me a cake
but i doubt it'll happen
i just hope i have fun this year
=\

p.s sorry its so long
not that anyone will read this newho